So it's almost three in the morning and I've decided that writing will help me to organize, develop, and look back on important thoughts. More often than not, I find myself thinking about the same reoccurring themes and then due to frustration or lack of time, I put it off until eventually I forget what I was thinking. I created this blog more than a week ago, and this will be my first post. What provoked me to write tonight is the quote above.

Over the past few weeks people have brought out many different sides of me. Some of which I wish could just stay back where ever they originally live. Although sometimes it's hard to remember this, I know that those who bring out the worst in me do not deserve my company or time. Those who bring out the best in me should be the people I surround myself with. It is the remarkably rare, addictive people that I find myself searching for these days. 

There was a happier time in my life where the only people I surrounded myself with were remarkable and addicting people. They brought out the most of everything and absolutely lit up my world. I felt so comfortable in my skin, just being me around these people. I felt alive and cherished. And yes, I would have followed them straight into hell just to get my fix. But time goes by, people change, relationships diminish, and you move on. 

So...what I am struggling with now is just that. I have moved on but I find myself looking back. Not because I want to go in that direction but because I don't understand why my future doesn't look brighter than my past. I have met more responsible, caring, hardworking, just great people in general but something is missing. I don't know anyone that I would want to follow into hell anymore. And even if I have someone in mind, I know that they wouldn't even look back to see if I was coming. If that makes sense. 

I had a good conversation with an old friend the other day, about these past times which I cannot seem to match anymore. We discussed whether it was our innocence that made us able to live so open and free. Whether it was because we had never been so hurt or damaged as we are now years and years later. Does experience ruin our ability to start over fresh? Does the fear of pain or heart break really stop us from loving in full capacity? Is there a way to overcome it? And if we feel that we are trying at full speed and full capacity, is it these new people who are holding us back? 

I have always been a firm believer of making it work. Especially and only when I believed the relationship was worth the sweat and tears that would come along with it. Back in the day, the sweat poured from our skin equally and the tears as well. No matter who made the mistake and no matter who the giver or receiver was of the hurt. The tears streamed from the both of us. We were both well aware of what we had to lose. 

Now, it isn't the same. We don't want to lose each other (so we say) but we aren't willing to put in the effort. We don't want to get sweaty or get our cheeks stained with tears. We are busy, we are selfish. Why? How do we change, and how do we know that we want to? both of us. Is it lack of raw emotion? No one wants anyone to see their weaknesses anymore. No one wants to run to someone else for comfort, no one wants to need anyone else. But I need to.